This NY Minute is going to be a little bit different. I’ve teased Bachelor(ette) recaps since I first started my blog, and even polled you guys over on InstaStories to see if there was enough interest this season for me to start writing weekly recaps. But to be completely honest, I’ve been super unsure about the whole thing. What do I even write about? Will anyone read them? What if I suck? I mean, I personally love reading the recaps over on Betches, and that feels like a pretty high bar to live up to. But today I’m ripping off the bandaid and I’m just going to go for it! In a super informal way, through today’s NY Minute Read. (Head over to this post if you’re wondering what the heck a NY Minute Read [NY Minute for short] is lol).
That being said, today’s post is going to be my first stab at a Bachelorette recap/chit chat post. I’ll be going through this week’s episode and sharing my thoughts on the contestants and all that jazz. Quick disclaimer that these posts are meant to be humorous, a bit sarcastic (like myself), and not to be taken too seriously! I want to share this more saracastic side to myself with you guys, since this blog is all about being real and authentically yourself. So bear with me, while I figure out this whole recapping thing and if you like posts like these I’d LOVE to hear from you in a comment, on Twitter, over on Facebook, or Instagram! Okay, let’s do the damn thing! *sorry I couldn’t resist*
The One-on-One
To be honest, I just finished watching the episode and I already can’t even recall who went on the one-on-one date. So there’s that.
Oh, right it was Colton. He and Becca go on a v thrilling first date in Las Vegas, and start the week strong by riding camels in the middle of a desert, and then hopping into a random hot tub that was definitely NOT placed there by ABC producers.
TLDR: If you missed this date, you really didn’t miss much at all.
Quite frankly, I’m just not buying what Colton is selling. After the whole “virgin” thing, the “I just broke up with your friend Tia to come on the show” thing, and something about his freakishly boy-ish face at nearly 30 years old, I’m just not feeling him. I can’t exactly explain why, but I don’t believe one thing that comes from his perpetually smirking mouth. But it would appear that our girl Becca does; fast forward a pretty predictable 20 minutes and she gives him the rose. K, glad that’s over with.
The Group Date
Moving on to the group date which surprisingly isn’t much more interesting. Becca decides that it’s a good idea to bring the guys to Wayne Newton’s mansion to write her love songs all day, and then have them perform said songs in front of a huge Las Vegas crowd a random assortment of about 30 ladies that ABC bribed with free dinner to show up. Come on, Becca! You can do better than this. You’re in Vegas for crying out loud!
Chris is acting super smug because he legit just had a one-on-one date with Becca like two weeks ago where he did this exact same thing. He’s totally got it in the bag. Fast forward through some truly horrendous and awkward performances (from which no winner was even chosen!), and we’re at the group date cocktail party. Chris is still grinning ear to ear after his “masterful” performance and is all like “how could she not give me the rose after that performance today? I’m not even going to make an effort to see her tonight because I was that good.” Sweet plan, bro.
Needless to say this plan completely backfires and before he knows it, Becca’s handing over the rose to Blake, who just spent the last half hour with his tongue down her throat after professing that he’s “been falling in love with her for a while now” (even though they literally haven’t even known each other for “a while now”, but who’s counting?). Told ya, Chris, great plan!
He proceeds to have a melt-down and I am LIVING for it! I haven’t liked Chris since he took it upon himself to throw that guy under the bus during episode one with some lame, made-up story about his “ex texting him that the guy had bad intentions”. Oh, I’m sorry—I meant “here for the wrong reasons”. Don’t worry guys, I know how to speak Bachelor.
Chris is threatening to leave because he feels like Becca doesn’t care about him and I’m over here like SEE YA NEVER!!
The Infamous Two-On-One
And finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for. It’s time for the infamous two-on-one date; this season featuring Jordan the Model and David the Chicken. We’re in for a good one, folks.
Becca starts off the date like: I know everyone always dreads the two-on-one dates but this one will be fun and different!
Me: Umm have you spent literally 1 minute with these guys? This is going to be a sh*t show.
David (aka Chicken, aka Messy Betch Who Lives For Drama [shoutout to Betches for that gem]) spends his entire time with Becca talking about Jordan. Honestly, this guy is another one that completely gets on my nerves. I will never understand why these guys think it’s a good idea to waste their entire alone time bashing someone else. It’s not a good look in real life, and it’s not a good look on the Bachelorette either. #SorryNotSorry
Anyway, David decides to trigger Becca by telling her that Jordan sees dating her as “settling” and she.is.PISSED. She immediately confronts Jordan and he actually does a decent job of being a human while also defending himself. He even tries to get deep and #vulnerable with her about his childhood; which gets totally overshadowed by the rage she feels after talking to David, but you know, nice try Jordy.
Thankfully, it’s as clear to Becca as it is to the rest of America that David is a Messy Betch Who Lives For Drama and she’s so not here for it. She sends him home packing in the middle of this desert/valley that they’re in and I’ve never been more proud of her. The look of sheer shock on David’s face made this entire date worthwhile.
She takes Jordan to dinner later that night to see if they actually have a connection outside of the BS and, surprise surprise, they don’t. He spends the entire date talking about his modeling career, and I KID YOU NOT, this man just asked someone to bring his portfolio out. BRB, dying.
I will say though, that I haven’t seen Jordan light up like this during the entire season so kudos Jordan, looks like you’ve already found your one true love: modeling and talking about yourself. Becca is over the charades and doesn’t give him the rose either, officially sending both d-bags guys home on this date.
Literally all of America rn:
The Rose Ceremony
Well we finally made it to the rose ceremony and Chris is STILL freaking out, y’all. Somebody get this man off his soapbox please. Becca pulls him aside immediately and is like “so I heard you want to leave?”
Chris: I never said that! I was just hurt that you didn’t come to find me after my totally amazing performance
Becca: So if things get tough you’re just going to give up? You didn’t come find me either…
Chris: *crickets*
Honestly, can we just get this over with already? His meltdown, while entertaining at first, is now just becoming annoying and I’ve had enough of him for one night. He proceeds to steal Becca away from Wills even though he’s already had time with her. And then talks to her again right before the cocktail party is up. Long story short: Becca somehow finds it within herself to deal with Chris for a bit longer, and doesn’t send him home. Sorry John, who we only got to see for about five minutes, two episodes ago.
I will say that one of the most annoying things about this season (for me, personally) is the amount of self-centered assholes Becca is stuck with. I mean, am I the only one who notices that nearly every guy who speaks/gets sent home is completely obsessed with themselves and “feels bad for her for missing out on such a great guy”?! It’s like, do they even hear themselves when they speak?
If one more of these losers proclaims how much of a catch they are, I think I’m going to throw my TV out the window. Just kidding, I love you TV. It’s not your fault that Chris Harrison is trolling my life by giving these lames airtime.
Okay, that’s it for this week’s Bachelorette recap. What did you think? Feel free to comment below or chat with me over on Instagram or Twitter! I’d love any and all feedback. Until next time!
bachelor recapbachelorette recapNY minutepop culture
